With a head full of brains and a whole lot to say, I live and I breathe and I think. Way too much. I love. Way too much. I laugh inappropriately and cry when I’m happy and it took me a lifetime within a lifetime to accept those strange parts of who I am. There’s a God who numbered the hairs on my head, the words I would speak, and the breaths I would take. Consequently, I follow Him; learning how to do so completely is the most difficult, exciting, unspeakable thing I’ve ever tried to do and I love it. I love Him. Learning is like breathing, you know. If you aren’t doing it, you’re dead… And while I learned all sorts of learnable things, I knew nothing until I discovered the love that Jesus has for me. (I was taught a huge amount of fear and rules and doomsday nonsense in my early days… None of that has a shred of reality in it. The real living God is love. Just, and fair, but overflowing with abundant grace and mercy…). His wisdom is unfailing; uncomprimising, beautiful, and worth living for. That’s the funny thing about God… He is the one and only being who will never let us down, and for all our “evolution” we can’t seem to master the concept of His grace. (Which, ironically, is the very reason we need it so much.) History repeats itself because none of it is new. Everything that could ever be said or done or felt has been already. Which is kind of the point, if we’re paying attention… Any struggle we endure, any pain we experience, any triumph we celebrate, are all a unique reflection of the same original premise; a recreation of a rough draft. A swaying in the breeze. The love it took to sacrifice His Son is the kind of love I want to replicate. Can you imagine the pain? Love was never intended to be an ego stroke. It came from complete and total selflessness.

I believe in unconditional love. I believe in fragmented sentences. I believe in rainy days, and the imagination of children. I believe in humanity, in chewy bacon, homegrown tomatoes, laughter, realness, and Jesus Christ. I believe in honesty. In hard work. In the word of God and the movement of the Holy Spirit, and the ability to be a perpetual work in progress while being confident–and aware–of who you are. I believe in the power of forgiveness, in naps, and hugs that last five minutes. I believe in growth, as much as I believe in pruning. (Nobody likes lopsided messes). πŸ™‚

I believe in patience, which is painful for a reason. I believe that no one should underestimate the potential with which they were born; we are children of the infinite Creator of the universe! …Made in His image, forgiven and redeemed; unworthy, but HIS.

I believe in vaccuuming daily. I believe in saying how you feel, but i believe in thinking about how others feel before you do that. I believe in kindness, in thoroughness, in the color orange, and planting seeds–literally, and metaphorically. Reaping, and sowing. And not just sowing based on what we wish to reap.

I believe you matter to God. I believe He doesn’t make mistakes. I believe in balance and reading books and cooking from scratch and bubble baths. I believe in compassion, and everyone’s God-given right to have it. I also (equally) believe in everyone’s God-given responsibility to give it. No matter how things might seem to you, people have their reasons for being who they are. And most often, it isn’t about you.

Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish I could turn my emotions down a notch. I don’t get angry easily and I don’t hold grudges. But no matter how level headed I try to be or how understanding I think I am, this life has a tendency of meaning entirely too much to me sometimes. I want to make things right. I want to bring joy to this planet, while I’m still on it. I want to remind people of the things that matter, without getting caught up in the things that don’t in the process. Each and every experience tends to reach into my core and grab my soul with unrelenting strength. Things move me. Things hurt me. Things touch me entirely too deeply for my own good. I get overly connected to the ones I love. Overly sensitive to the movement of the Spirit, overly concerned about irreconcilable conflicts and unchangeable tragedies. And while I know God created me with that very alive and well ability to feel EVERYTHING so completely, I struggle with finding the balance between giving all I’ve got and knowing when to let go. Everything I feel, I feel 3,000%. There are no gray areas in my world. But like everyone else, I’m a work in progress.

I write because of that. Because there’s too much emotion and too much perspective to keep it all locked up inside my restless and passionate soul. My mind never slows down long enough for my heart to breathe. And the motion of thoughts as they evolve from feelings in your heart to words on a page is a healing movement. It is a perfect release of the hold they have over you. When set free, ideas become real. When we carry them around, they settle like dead weight in the center of who we are… I never was the kind of girl who was easily anchored.

a beautiful mess

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37 responses »

    • Hi Brandy,

      There is indeed quite a fair amount of soul searching and taking stock in what you wrote here.

      Waywardspirit has introduced SoundEagle to your blog with the following comment:

      Only a mermaid could dive make a wave like Brandy. If you can sail to her island, she may share her gills.
      If
      Maybe you could fly there. She might turn you aquatic. Surreal!

      So, here is SoundEagle, having flown over to visit you, ready to be irrigated by your wit and baptised by your wisdom.

      Do feel free to moisturise SoundEagle’s creative drought and hydrate SoundEagle’s parched ignorance.

  1. Your passion is extremely contagious πŸ™‚ I, too, grew up with ‘fear, rules and doomsday nonsense’. Until the day I decided to test the theory of ‘unconditional love’ I was a misery. For me, now, ‘spirituality’ is an undefinable, uncontainable journey – and rather than scaring me, it makes me glad to be alive. Happy to meet you πŸ™‚

    • Perfect. So happy to meet you as well, Alarna. I looked briefly into your blog and fell head-first into its alive-ness. I love it. I’ll take a deeper gander once I get a quiet moment.

      “Until I decided to test the theory of unconditional love, I was a misery.”

      Profound, simple, spot-on and high five.

    • That’s the most powerful and perfect thing anyone has said to describe my spirit. What an incredibly thoughtful thought you shared. πŸ˜‰

      Funny. Ironic funny, not laughing hysterically funny. I am a fire sign. And much of my perspective is the specific result of my energy colliding with water. While I don’t put too much emphasis on astrological implications in personality, I recognize the inherent values of water, earth, air and fire and how much of our own unique personal power manifests in one of those frequencies. My fire has been so often, and so completely stamped out by the immensity of water’s momentum and depth that I’ve learned the hard way how to use my strengths as a force for good, bringing out the best in others without burning everything I touch or dying in the process.

      I adore your brainwave.

      • “I’ve learned the hard way how to use my strengths as a force for good, bringing out the best in others without burning everything I touch or dying in the process.” That is a huge achievement!

        I am a water sign… working at being a stream or well – rather than a tidal wave.
        We’re definitely opposites, yet on the same side I think.

        “God said fire not a flood next time.” – Well, Well, Well – Peter, Paul, & Mary

  2. The first thing I thought on reading this was that much, though not all, could have come straight from my own experience although you have written it with far more imaginative skill and descriptive ability than I ever could. I’m curious though, if I may ask, has your early life’s experience of “fear and rules”, or rather your emerging from it, given you such narrative capacity or were you always able to write so well? I suspect the latter although I also find myself wondering to what extent your experiences have shaped your writing. A kind of before and after? Just thoughts I had on reading. From my own life I know that some pain we feel (on many levels) from both individual and combined experience runs so deep and wide within us that we can find ourselves, during the healing process, with whole new skills emanating from a liberated mindset (and soul-set), with which to express ourselves and communicate God. It is surely a kind of sensory resurrection of the imagination which colours every part of us. God’s Spirit reshaping us and moulding us until His glory shines in a way we’d never have thought possible from our mortal bodies. Thanks for sharing. ps. I have a problem writing anything short, you might have guessed!

    • I believe anything felt deeply is rarely simplified with ease. And as for me and my blog, you’ll find excessively long comments and thoughts shared on the regular. Your contributions are welcomed, precisely as they are.

      Our talents and propensities are always a great summation of our life experiences. I agree with you there.

      Beyond all of that however, I recognize that each of us came into worldly being with a very specific set of giftings and strengths; not every follower of Christ is talented with preaching, or singing, or leading youth. I believe our pains and our struggles provide opportunities for us to dive deeper into the outlets that bring us peace, release, and healing. For me, that has always been making music and writing. Always. Before I could read, my mom took a picture of me sitting on my bedroom windowsill holding an open national geographic children’s encyclopedia, singing various poetic lyrics about what I imagined the words were saying about the pictures. For hours. It has always been who I am; a portion of my identity on a very basic level. I feel, and always have felt, that without words and ideas and music my soul would wither and die. Hard to form words around the depth of what writing and music mean to me. It’s like asking a blind chimpanzee to describe the color of his fur, I suppose.

      • Thanks for your comments. I find myself replying to you on two threads now! I have a tendency to think alot about something before replying, even if the reply is only short (not often!). That is true for me in life as in WordPress. Maybe it comes from having spent much of my life in study and degrees of introspection. I have sometimes been told that I think about things too much but that is the way I am and I doubt I could be any other way and I am happy that way. I love the activity of pure thought, especially when it is fed by some passage from the Bible and simply letting God move freely through your mind and soul, ‘access all areas’. I rarely look for the obvious but like to delve deeper and God usually shows something new and an angle or perspective I had not yet seen. But God has I believe developed in me, through years of moulding and shaping, an outgoing nature specific to me (as we are all unique) and that has been essential to share the thoughts received from His mind.

        I am, I confess, somewhat jealous of your certainty that your skills have always been in music and writing. It took me years to discover what it was I loved doing and could actually do, what came naturally and not what was expected of me and which inevitably caused fractures within myself as I tried to give myself to areas I was simply not equipped for except through the leading of ego.

        The picture you paint of yourself from childhood and the photo your mom took, is quite beautiful and made me think of my own childhood. I have been conscious of God my whole life, I am sure I was aware of Him virtually from the moment I had any form of awareness at all although it took till my late teens for me to give my life to Him. I can see in your words the forming and nurturing of a child’s imagination and that is such an amazing thing. To see God’s hand at work in a young life is such an exquisite thing! Looking back I can see I have been, whether on paper on in my mind, experimenting with words and writing for half my life without really knowing what I was doing or why. I was reminded recently of how God knows the beginning from the end, the end from the beginning, the first from the last and last from first. The end from the beginning of our lives. Sometimes I feel we shouldn’t even think of trying to understand our lives until we’ve lived several decades! Thankfully God gives levels of understanding all along the way.

        One of the reasons I asked about your ‘before and after’ is because it became clear to me that after I had been through a period of illness, I became aware that my emotional life had been opened up dramatically and in some ways altogether beyond recognition from pre-illness. While the how’s and why’s of the origin of my illness are still an open question for me, I have no doubt whatsoever that, within that storm and at the very epicentre of it, God opened something up inside me and I now have the capacity to ‘feel’ things, perhaps more of a sense of empathy, than I had previously (although I certainly had a ‘normal’ emotional and empathic life before). Although I believe it is vital to have appropriate anchorage in the inner emotional life to prevent all out self-implosion, I can empathise at a level I could not previously experience. This has been exciting, liberating, thrilling and, in all honesty, frightening. It is something I am still learning to manage, although perhaps manage is the wrong word. While I am not entirely sure what ministry God has for my future, I have little doubt that the new emotional empathy He has given me through illness is part of the mental equipment I will need. Or so I think πŸ™‚

        As long as you have God within you, you will never wither and die. If God was to ‘remove’ your words and ideas and music from you for a time, you would still have God. You may disagree but God knows you and your needs better than you know yourself. I do understand what you mean though in describing the depth of what writing and music mean to you. I can’t speak to your music but if it is anything like your writing then it must be truly infused with God’s Spirit and thus both inspired and inspiring.

        You look nothing like a blind chimpanzee πŸ™‚

        Thank you so much for the interaction!

        • I have — on THREE OCCASIONS NOW — sat down for a minimum of thirty-seven or so minutes and written a deepest, meaningful-most response to your beautiful comment. And RIGHT AT THE VERY LAST MOMENT before I could press ‘post comment’ my phone died (I blog from a smartphone).

          I’m going to post this quickly just to let you know that I am getting back to you as soon as my sanity returns and my chaotic life allows. πŸ™‚ I’m so eager to respond to the things you shared, and hopefully I will successfully do just that shortly. Thanks for your patience!

  3. My heart often hangs out on my sleeve…and I tend to say what I feel and think. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, but if I’m paying attention to how God is leading me, I’m usually blessed by sharing myself. I have a feeling I’m going to love your blog!

  4. … I am really not sure what to say, your about page overwhelmed me, oh that I might express my Creator with such depth and integrity. So this is what it looks like when you walk in your giftings…thank you.

  5. Pingback: A Little Song, A Little Dance « Legionwriter

  6. Desiree

    …Resists erg to cut and paste whole sections of your About the Author onto my About the Author page.

    !!!

    So, I’m gonna go look in the mirror instead.

    More desert later.

    : ) ; )

    • Eggs benedict with a side of marshmallow cream sauce.

      You come around and I have to look down, double check that my feet are on solid ground, because nothing makes sense but these real flying monkeys. Purple and brainwave colored nonsense that puts my whole life in perspective. Like a song coming on a radio… That’s turned off. Like no way, no way, yes way. Really.

      And suddenly dawns on me, that thought from that feeing, that every part of my ridiculous synapse nonsense — every part, my entire freaking life — it was always meant to be. Pointless, maybe, but my own. And that’s real. And you know what?

      You.
      Do.
      These revelations within me.
      Thanks can’t touch my wow and awe. Its like I saw a universe unparalleled, without compromise, suddening as a beautiful surprise… Your reflection, in my eyes.

  7. Wow, u’r like one of those super cool, really got their shit together type of moms that everyone wish they had while growing up! Keep up the great work, I really enjoy your blog!

  8. This is a fine example of how life should be lived
    and you portray this so well in your words. I know
    instinctively that I will enjoy my time in your Space.

    Be well and enjoy a
    wondrously fine Tuesday πŸ™‚

  9. Thanks for dropping by this morning, my time, I was on an all night writing bender, and am only running off two hours sleep. Thank you for the thoughtful comments too. Love your writing, even though I am reading it with tired eyes, I’ll have to come back later tonight so I can soak your words up properly, back soon.

  10. Brandy,

    I’ve missed your unique voice.

    Feel no pressure. Just hoping all is well.

    Know that I- and the others here who feel connected- will patiently await. Our connection isn’t conditional. We will be here- when you are ready.

    Sending good thoughts your way.

    Tom

    • Your words hold a peaceful power. Thank you. I’m in a strange land; a foreign place metaphysically… Focusing my efforts in a pure direction, staying centered and aware and unencumbered as much as possible. For now this means learning to be okay with not following through with every detail, not crossing off every task, and occasionally learning to wait for timing and purpose before clabbering forward in my typical fashion. Growth. Thank you for thinking your thoughts this way. That’s beautiful.

  11. I have to say in my world you are quite Gorgeous! Thank you for sharing you, I have read a few things you have written, tis page and the comments say much! As does your smile, thanks for sharing it and I look forward to reading what you have to share. πŸ™‚ Joe

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