Monthly Archives: March 2013

I Am Taught

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shell of a woman
shell of a child
neither and elsewhere also
i am not
caved in and hollowed
by the never of my own becoming
never knew its place in me
all along, all in all
i came to a lot of places
and i came to be a lot of people
be without becoming
without once settling down
my heart
beatbeat ravenous
to explore the wilderness
the world
the wild of it all
native dirt between my toes
long enough
only to feel lost in the grit of it
the harsh sands of it
and time had nothing on me
no watches, no tears, no goodbyes or plans
just going
knowing nothing
but that desire to go
and learn every possible thing there could be
to learn
tumbleweed soul
taking the stars at night as my own
personal orphans
each of them, breastfeeding the constellations
i was a widow then
of all i’d yet to know
barefoot wanderer
who always kept the fire
through the desert midnights
going

thirty three degrees

i never came of age
i never cried at the most important losses
i never set out to conquer grief
or anything really
becoming one with things always felt more natural
organic
as in organ-like, pulsing, a living thing
if it flowed i followed
sometimes taking lead
myself my head to a sleepless bed
in an infinite twilight romance
between
this world
and
my hunger for it

the quietest of natures
calms the silence of our souls

such gluttonous, reckless freedom

i came crashing into this life
addicted to my own explosion
transfixed by the impact
of curiosity on consequence
childhood; sunsets
not a care in the world
in the wild, my hands were fearless
squishing slime-covered bodies
up and down
in and out
covering my hooks

i always sang
the beguiled worm to its grave

becoming bait
i give you thanks
for all the fish
i will have ate
later

When The Words Won’t Come (Say Them Anyway)

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Recently my life turned itself inside out. It’s less unpleasant than I expected but the feeling of it all has me on my toes and rather dizzy.

I am busy, but I’m here. Thinking of the many incredible and diverse people I encounter on my blog. Reflecting on the countless ways every single one of you contribute to my heart, my spirit, and ultimately my life.

Despite this relentless wilderness I’m in, I find myself still yet contemplating how the world is unfolding its endless majesties for each of you.

Just so you know.

You matter to me, amidst the infinite other things. If you have a minute you can make my day. Whisper your goings and comings my way; I will welcome the news and the sounds of you.

Your ordinary acts of love and hope point to the extraordinary promise that every human life is of inestimable value.

Desmond Tutu

Try This On For Size

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When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty.

Thomas Jefferson

thoughts like propellers
propel themselves forward
and pull me behind them
I’m thinking-enslaved

over-analyzations like an addiction, work further and deeper the old familiar creases and circular patterns
ruts in the mud
terrain unordained

look at me now
how far I’ve come without traveling straight
flying down the winding roads
never holding the wheel
seldom checking the brakes
I told you so
rearview mirrors have no place
in me
belonging always to the now
to the slowing down of a lifetime’s haste
to the constant change, the elusive thing that most can’t take

and here I am
with my blackberry brain
ripening on the windowsill
pickling like eggs
nestled in the folds; the wrinkling surface; the gray-matter space where intellect can be measured, tucked in and tethered to some tangible notion that cannot be faced

you’ll find me there — if you catch yourself so inclined to look —
singing joy in the mornings with the multitude; the birds, perched, chorusing the carol of my freedom song

brave
fits me like a glove
or an ungiven name
christen myself, the occasion suits me

oh wild little girl in me
“she can’t help it honey, she came to make waves”
grown fully now — isn’t it funny how
that happens, when no one’s looking —
no longer awkward, ugly, whatever-it’s-called-duckling

womanchild
in tow and submission
how could I resist them?
the endlessly coming-on of masochism; bondage; thoughts of my own; inescapable age

brittle hands of time
might tie me down
but cannot tame

the stars, too
I see them without counting
I never did keep score
for that, they’ve taken an oath
they have sworn
to testify to my defiance
shining brilliance in light
against this visible roar
screaming forth

lioness
who dared long ago to dream bigger
be careful
in thinking outside the box
your efforts of thought
only bind you to an out-of-sight out-of-mind location
in which our society keeps you

and so blacksmith I became
forming the metal with the heat of a fire, flames of fury and the hammer strikes it in place, the bars becoming pillars of a perfectionist’s prison

deafening wilderness
a madness my own
a place I feel safe

I’ve been known to break it down, those accepted modes of unthought, take that sick little box and master it, make it my bitch, put it in place, simplify it and step away (if only for a moment) cleansed

we gotta learn how to beat our own drum
broken or not
dance if we want, without music playing
make a new song, unmetered rhythms without pressure to harmonize, blend in, keep the stanzas and standards and balance maintained

write a new verse
ignore the refrain
if we so choose

because appearances are deceiving
here, in this space
the nonconformity of it feels more like liberty than any pseudo-freedoms to which civilians claim

I am free

once upon a time, though
I tried it on for size
I voted
in many ways also, I contributed to the beast
feeding his greed with my ignorance

and on my knees I discovered
I’d much rather serve a righteous King
sacrifice everything I thought mattered
and live awake in my hour, even caged by the truth
than go to sleep with a false sense of freedom, a constitutional blindness
pledging my allegiance
vowing my soul’s loyalty
to an inanimate object
that stands for anything but the individual person’s rights, pursuits, or relevance

you see, I grew up
and even if you don’t agree with me
be proud
in this day and age it’s still possible
for a girl to think for herself

and refuse to settle
for mindless pacifications
of blind leading blind

Ruminations

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I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart’s affections, and the truth of imagination.
John Keats

Before it all begins
–precipatory to our genesis
and preceding our predispositions–
There is a power

In the life unformulated,
Unindoctrinated;
In that new, hungry, undiluted brain
(Like crystal unformed
Or infant unwaned)
–In the dying embers of an amber heat–
Lies a pulsing need
Still unabstained

wanderlust

In time it fades
Evolving into the plagued shade
Of a writer’s mind
The grown-older kind
Its wonder repressed beneath years of lost time

It churns and kneads, compels within us
…setting our whole life on fire with want
Familial zephyr
Enrapturing flame

Ubiquitous impulse
To be unenslaved
…free in the footloose
unbridled, untamed…

It finds us as Dreamers
Who dare to be found
Barefoot meanderers
White oleander
With breeze on our breath and our feet on the ground

Barehanded touch
Nomadic and love
Knowing it growing it
seeing it made
With dirt and the earth and the wild
the brave! longing in us
Will reckon our life from its grave

We all have this gypsy
Within us and caged
Societal zoo
Maniacal maze
We silence our wisdoms
–exchange the weight in them–
For nothingness; government mandated “truths”
Silver-type spoon-fed and swallowed; depraved

They fit so we wear them
Our patriot shoes
In mindless compliance
Unthinking, behaved
Worn down to the tread
To the soul, wearing through

Have you noticed it too?
Do you know I mean?

Heavy and seem
How it hangs and then lingers
Vanquishing dreams
Steals the song from the singers
The bell from its ringers
While no one around
Can distinguish the sound
We are keeping and reaping

The beeping! Insanity everywhere beeping
That purchasing noise
Of corporate consumption
Machines that eat money
And children though, too
Then lead us to claim
It’s by this we are soothed

The knowledge knows nothing
When out of its mind

The carnivores chew
Every bite mass-produced
No famine is lessened yet no one objections
We starve as oblivion keeps us consumed

But oh!
To be free!
To the tangible feel
To the life that we choose
To the fate that we seal
To the mountains we climb
To the time we awake
To the longing alive
In these words on this page

Only a wakeful perception can save

The best for the last
Through the compass within
A lofty goal lifted hope sense of direction
Combat the directionlessness of our age

To see a new vision
and blaze a new trail
To give hope a voice
and to turn a new page
The body has fingerprints and DNA
The soul has regrets and nostalgia turned rage

Everyone, on some “permission” awaits
But why?
It isn’t the world, as some say
It’s magic in mind
That’s providing the stage

Wrestle your fears to submission
–the mission–
To learn once again how to dance
How to dream
Believe and be changed and be free
celebrate!