Tag Archives: overcoming

Stranded on the Shore

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Stranded on the Shore

Still and silent, the rage-laden whispers speak
Of possibilities in the form of forth-coming terrors
The horse’s mouth, bird beak, hushed words
Tale telling of a Go-See plot
And does it, so loudly unspoken
Against lost time, better judgement, all odds
Standing to remind of a broad daylight greed
A thief I never and always saw coming

The words that want so badly to never be said

Paint a picture, spin a web
Revealing what’s taken and can’t be returned: innocence, purpose, peace
Without words the secrets see them, rumor them around
The ugly truths, hidden horrors that bring my conscience to its knees and face to face with everything swept beneath the rug
For the sake and demise, equally, of my fragile mental well-being
What will my being become, if not well?
Will I live to hunt the answers down, the knot-tying fears for which my heart is broken and breaks?
The ceaseless prayers, the Nothing that’s changed
Am I the only one? The stand-alone widow, the petrified wood
Will the hand of God reach all the sense unmade?
Intervene, explain how I came to be in this place
Negate the reasons, the wild card
Played by the King of Spades
Savage; cripple
Keeper of my gate
I look into his eyes
And all I see
Is the exchange of his name for my entire life, my dreams of a future or anything worthwhile, my every breath and every move accounted for, my soul and my sense of belonging
In this world there are winners and losers
Sometimes it’s just luck of the draw
But this, this was something I chose
For myself, my children
I look into their eyes
And all I see
Is their entire life, their dreams of a future or anything worthwhile, their every breath and every move accounted for, their soul and sense of belonging
Teetering on the verge
Between manifest and unactual; my lifelong regret in the making
Who am I to tame the darkness, yet how am I to let it live?
Woman warrior, a mother I was always
First
I’ll be damned or dead if he gets the last word

The words that want so badly to never be said

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what marriage really feels like

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We lost sight of ourselves
In the blink of an eye
Kidnapped in rouge
Red with anger and my

Tightly woven escape
Became his quick foray
One moment one word
And then suddenly rage

Wrapping tightly its grasp
Around all that we had
Become, now undone
Just as simple as that

Little whispering lie
In my hot fragile mind
And the chaos then multiplied
Madness: unkind

Question marking our moves
Deaf to love dead to soothe
The callousing feeling
And having to prove

That I laid down my guard
So I softened my stance
Humility proving
That stillness can dance

Not a two step beside
Not a slow lullaby
But a back and forth rhythm
In which I’d abide

Within him and I
Grief could not mark its prey
Too far yet from dying
Too prideful to say

I am sorry
Me too
Yet the words would not do
Without being needed
…We already knew…

It is simple and kind.
Compassionate. Blind.
Merciful. Candid. And human inside.

Love knows not the forms
We perceive it to have
It wisens us all
To its infinite task

We breech and come back
In erroneous ways
Of life-burdened living
…But it’s life that will save

There is room in this shoe
For your own point of view
You’re welcome to wear it, he says…
And me too.

I step right inside.
Familiar in size
I like how it fits me
(Between you and I)

My perfect-most love
Imperfect, undone
The winning is found in the losing

…We won.

One war at a time
One flesh with two minds
And all of that passion
Within him is mine.

When Life Hurts

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When Life Hurts

“Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.” –Seneca

I believe this world has a certain mercy about it. I’ve come to know the pain it dispenses like pez candy quite well; I’ve known heartache so deep that my soul became numb and my body caught fire in flames of roman-candle sorrow, ignited by the continual spark of sadness against the fuel of my deepest loss. I’ve known emptiness so wide and so vast that my very existence was an abyss in which everything around it was consumed in an instantaneous vacuum wherein it ceased to exist. I’ve known brokenness so real that my bones ached and my mind slammed itself repeatedly against the walls of my own dark thinking; over and over and over again, until my cranium radiated with skull crushing pain and the only idea that continued to make sense was to kill myself before it lasted another minute. I’ve been broke down and sold out and battered by the hands the hands of time; cleaned out and murdered in my soul. Some of you may think I’m stretching things for the sake of entertainment. I’m not. With all of my being, I sincerely know the deepest depths of pain and the darkest places it can take you. And in times like those, nothing could have been said to lighten my burden; it was mine to carry. Nothing could have been done to lessen the load; I was a hollowed out image of a girl who once dreamed; a ghost in a fog; ripped at the seams. I’ve been there, as close to the edge as you can possibly get… I’ve also gone completely over it.

What I see now from the outside looking in is a great awakening. I see an apex. I sensed it then, even… But had anybody said that to me, I would’ve raised my tattered white flag. Because I didn’t have it in me. For all my drive, for all my perseverance, some shadows are too long–and too close to us–to face them. In my loneliness and grief, no words of encouragement could have motivated me out of my messes. No condolances could have reconciled the distance between my state of mind and my actual potential… Because in those moments, NOTHING MATTERED.

I know some incredible people. Over the years, I’ve witnessed their seasons of insurmountable madness. I’ve watched, holding my breath, as they emerged from their hopes for the future to find themselves surfacing in a giant ocean of complete disappointment. Heartbreak, of every kind. I’ve seen what these things look like from the outside… You know, the point at which we get a phone call and fall to our knees; we wake up to find our bed and our home suddenly empty; we show up for work and we’re handed a pink slip; I’ve seen the tide roll in on top of me, and I’ve also watched it rise from shore. And there are certain people I have known who learned–in that VERY INSTANT–to go with the flow. Without a moment’s hesitation, their stride switched to meet the occasion. Who does that? Who has whatever it is that makes you go from floating on a cloud to diving head first off a hundred foot cliff without even looking down first? I consider myself very fortunate to have met these kind of people in my lifetime. It may sound absurd, but there are real heroes in this world. I know a few.

But I never was a heroic type of girl. I was always spontaneous, yet committed. Carefree, but grounded. Free thinking, yet aware. I went where my feet led me without a worry in the world. And sadly, the world brought me plenty to worry about.

When I love, I love like a forest on fire. I don’t know how to do it any other way. And in the intensity of that kind of love, there is always something that gets burned. In my case, it has almost
always been my belief in the unbelievable. Sometimes, the general consensus is not, in fact, wrong. I was born with a burning desire to prove otherwise; hence many of my own personal pains.

Almost everyone I know is currently experiencing that life-changing moment in time where they casually glance behind them to discover a massive fifteen foot wave is rushing in over their heads… I’ve been in that situation literally, swimming in the ocean, bodysurfing in Hawaii, without a care in the world or a clue in my mind that my fragile little life is about to turn upside down. I lived through it, like anybody else certainly would have, but it was the single most INDESCRIBABLE sensation of my life, and I will never forget the intensity of it.

Pain is a lot like that. We know how bad it was once we’re out of it, and we think we remember the extent to which we were horrified and ripped in half and trapped in the weight of that moment… But do we really?

These people I love are shutting down. They are going through the motions, they’ve done it before and they’ll do it again… But it makes me wonder: do we have any idea how strong we are? Do we actually comprehend our ability to survive?

Survival isn’t a competition in real life. It’s not about anybody else. It’s you, and you alone. Nothing anyone else says can help you. Nothing anyone else does as a gesture of love and compassion can get you through it. Survival is the bare bones, brass tacks question: “So what are you made of?”

I’m made of fragile broken pieces taped back together in a mosaic of melodies and harmonies, opposites and similarities, losses and opportunities. A brightly colored assortment of hodge podge horrors that I learned the hard way were actually victories in disguise. You cannot know what it is to win, until you have had to fight. Some valleys can’t be crossed and some mountains can’t be climbed. I’m not out to convince the unconvinceable, or to cheerlead the overcomer within you. I’m simply suggesting that maybe we have no idea how strong and how certain our core is. If you think about the peace of God, about His mercy in the face of every kind of evil; if you think about His grace, and how He quietly leads us out of our own inability and into our supernatural identity… How could we be anything less than perfectly and undeniably capable of complete and total perseverance?

All I know is this: you either make it or you don’t. It’s that simple. A lot of heroes die never knowing how close they came to the summit that they had spent a strenuous and deeply lived lifetime pursuing. A lot of great men and women lose the battle because of those moments when it simply became too much to bear. But I believe in the hero within us. I know that nothing can quiet the roar of the tide… But wow, how it sounds from the other side.