If you could go back to yesterday, and do one thing over, what would it be? And would you do it?
I’ve always professed to live without regrets. While that’s certainly humanly impossible, it always sounded like such a powerful way of existing: embracing every mistake you ever made, no matter how iconically it changed your life or how gut-wrenching it is merely to allow the memory to flood your thinking momentarily; I know, quite the fanciful notion.
In this season of my life, I’m experiencing everything on a much more bare-skinned, no-holds-barred, in-your-face, like-it-or-not, taste it touch it see it smell it hear it embrace it, tangible level.
And to be perfectly honest… I really like it this way. Admittedly, the adjustment was a bit shocking and a lot overwhelming and everything you would expect from going from head-in-the-clouds daydreaming to feet-on-the-ground truth-hiking; but once you acclimate you discover that it’s SO MUCH MORE REAL than anything before.
That doesn’t mean I’m sitting in a dark room weeping for all the nonsense and bad judgement I’ve spent most of my life perpetuating. It simply means that I’m not dwelling in the emptiness of false words about embracing my worst memories for the prescribed destiny they served to satisfy… Make no mistake. My mistakes were no gift from fate and my destiny never depended on my ability to live like an idiot who was Queen for a day, (every day, for years at a time in some cases). I’m not chasing down my bad judgement so I can look it square in the face and claim it, either. I’m just letting go of those former defense mechanisms I was once so fond of turning to when I didn’t particularly like how it felt to face the truth. I’ve been set free, you see. I don’t need to forgive myself for all my stupidities; but I no longer need to run from the reality of them either. I’m looking at the world through my own two eyes, standing on its surface with my own two feet, and quite possibly for the first time in my entire life, I like how it feels to be split wide open in the truth of it all.
Humility is a double edged sword. It’s important that before you go swinging it, you know what it feels like to be cut with it first. You can’t cut yourself in half and be done with it. It’s the delicate art of slicing through our exterior, one layer at a time; slowly, gently, peeling away the dead layers of our perception of self and letting what’s underneath BREATHE for the first time. It’s the only way to ever truly know who you are: learn to be honest with yourself, first.
“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” –Albert Einstein