Tag Archives: abuse

I Am Not Your Victim

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I Am Not Your Victim

The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were people who knew they were wrong.
–Wilson Mizner

I chased myself
In circles, ragged
Eyes hanging so sad
Heavy
Searching, seeking
Some invisiblity
Some nonexistence
Some thing

Oh lonesome fool
I was

And one flesh, I became you
Joining in the party of pity
Hanging itself to death each night
Lay me down to sleep

Silence, sing of sorrows
Bringing lullabies
Be them borrowed

I have mastered the art
Of screaming
Without sound

How can this man I half became
Be still too deaf, too dull
To carry
And what of me
Of belief, of wedding

Nevermore, nevermind
Axes buried

And I, the madman’s trophy
Am now
No more than nothing
But once upon a time

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Here, kitty kitty…

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Here, kitty kitty…

You fit me well
In that sinister edge your laughter keeps
Making a mockery
Better than a living
Of me, and I pretend so well to love it

You do not know me

You wear me well
But cannot keep
Me, contained
In the guilt of your smile
You poor baby; you made me
Your fix, your crutch, your reason for being
Seldom what you seem
Turning me into a joke
Some permanence of blue
In your emptiness of green

And yet I’m the one short of worthy
You deem
It wasn’t enough
For you to tie me down
A mummified queen
Of this promised forever

If simply to breathe, I should ask your permission
If I seal my lips and sell my dreams
If I spend the money to buy into your mission–the satisfying of your own sick needs
Will you then say I’ve fared well as your wife?

If I resist the urge to peel the skin off your skull, set your frame on fire, blow your brains out just to watch you bleed
Then in my book it should suffice
(trust me)
As proof I must have loved you
If only a smidgen

If I close my eyes, keep still, be quiet
Return my silence for your emotional violence
If somehow I manage
To allow you your vices
Of snapping a soul in two just to suit you;
If I rise to the top like thickening oil
On the surface, I assure you
It means that you my dear, at least married well

I didn’t marry down;
I crawled straight to hell and took the name of the biggest beggar I found

Rob Peter to pay Paul

My life is a testament
To what happens to little girls
Who are never shown how
Why does marriage still exist?
Was I born just for this?
United with a state of unobtainable bliss

I grew up too quickly
Oblivion-rich
Of societal norms
I colored my world in shades of burnt orange
Forgetting the images subsequently absorbed
Were distorted, conformed
To my inner expectations
Of very little
And very often

We always get what it is we’ve expected

For me, it’s a lifetime of hide-and-seek
Bare-knuckled scream-thinking
Bruise-inclined heart-beating
White picket fences
And hearts to be mended
With skinned-shaking knees

I believed sweet dreams are made of these
Who wouldn’t like to disagree?

The cat accomplishes nothing
Out of the bag

If you’ve got a problem, yo I’ll solve it…

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If you’ve got a problem, yo I’ll solve it…

Throughout the course of my blogging experiences (as well as most of my life experiences lately), I’ve acquired a great accumulation of advice-type correspondences. I suppose this is the result of my deeply inquisitive nature, met with my love of people and my natural tendency of quickly recognizing the source of conflict and involuntarily recognizing possible solutions to said conflict(s). Surprisingly, I’ve discovered an overwhelming receptiveness to my advice; and in almost every circumstance, the advice was transformative and greatly helped in some way.

I enjoy the power of conflict-resolution; God created an uncanny desire within me to use my deep (and often overwhelming) empathy as a source for good in the lives of those around me. That very desire — the longing to bring a sense of peace and clarity and a fresh perspective to anyone who is struggling, hurting, confused, and/or in need of encouragement, direction, input, or advice of any kind — has created a very cool (and unexpected) path before me:

I’m starting an ‘advice column’ of sorts.

I’m not Dear Abby, but it seems to me there is a great need for holistic encouragement in many different walks of life, for many different reasons; and for whatever reason, it seems to be something God has gifted in me.

As I grow my advice page (it will be on this blog, as a separate page eventually), I will be accepting questions, inquiries, comments, and whatever else you’re inclined to share with me.

Previous issues I’ve addressed vary greatly. Relationships, spirituality, career choices, writing, friendships, family dynamics, abuse, addiction, codependency, time management, depression, mental illness, life changes, lifestyle choices, health, wellness, parenting, eating disorders, and just about all the stuff in-between.

I am not a professional therapist, and none of my contributions should replace qualified medical treatment where health or mental health are involved. However, my educational background met with my extensive hands-on experience and training with these real-life problems provide for both an intuitive and an objective approach to the resolution of most conflict experienced within the above parameters of day-to-day real-life issues for all of us.

My goal here is to use the abilities created within me to bring light to the shadows; to bring peace to counter chaos; to help discover clarity where it cannot seem to be found. God willing, this might help a few people who could use a listening ear and a compassionate heart. I’ll be that for you, if you need it.

If you’d like advice with something, or just want someone to listen to you vent your frustrations, you can contact me via email at:

thechampionwithinyou@gmail.com

All correspondences will remain completely confidential, and will not be published without explicit consent. I look forward to talking with you, traveling the unpredictable journeys with you, and being a part of your solution manifestation.

Be blessed!

Good conquers evil. But are we willing to examine HOW?

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Good conquers evil. But are we willing to examine HOW?

I was contemplating this very notion this morning. The meaning of compassion has been heavy in my spirit lately, and I began to wonder… What about those evil monsters who commit heinous acts against innocent children? What about those self-righteous villainous leaders of cults who brainwash families into unimaginable territories of moral insanity? What about those money-hungry attorneys who defend the indefensible in their perpetual pursuit of luxury, at the expense of our judicial integrity? What about all of the alcoholic parents who procreate for the sole purpose of having a punching bag on which to release their frustrations by the use of senseless physical abuse?

It occurred to me that these are the deepest indications of the greater need for the very compassion I contemplate. Initially, I wanted to vomit just thinking about giving a child molester a compassionate hug, telling him that Jesus loves him deeply, that Christ knew he would be tormented with a broken mind and died for him anyway… I anticipate some hostile feedback to this comment, but in the grand scheme of things I’m willing to face anything anyone has to say about this… Because it is the very LACK OF COMPASSION that perpetuates the victimization of innocent people each and every day. Those children whose childhood was one giant lesson in self-defense grow up NOT KNOWING ANYTHING DIFFERENT. They grow up to become the same unloved and unloving, compassion-less abusers as the very people who raised them.

And the people who raised them were never taught their own worth, either.

It is a gut-wrenching cycle, and if we can collectively muster the courage to look this dark enigma straight in the face and face it for what it is, we’ll discover that the most BEAUTIFUL SOLUTION already lies within us.

Compassion. Forgiveness. Love.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” —Martin Luther King, Jr.