Conversations With a Crazy Person

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Have you ever had one of those moments when it suddenly dawns on you that your brain is having a conversation with itself without any conscious effort on your part?

It happens to me every time I stop and pay attention to what my mind is doing.

My thoughts think for themselves. If I don’t have something demanding my undivided attention, my attention divides itself into a million pieces and gives each piece a full inspection. I know, it sounds crazy. See what I mean though? My brain can barely finish processing one idea before it flies into an over-analyzation autopilot.

I’ve always been this way. You know the type. I’m the girl who can barely get past “How’s it going?” without a fifteen minute pontification of the potential significance of the abstract patterns the syrup made on the waffles at breakfast. I think too much about too many things entirely too deeply and it matters a lot more than it should.

As a child I would hold mock trials in my front yard. My friends never objected. You think I’m being ridiculous and I won’t argue, but yes. It really happened. Regularly, and often.

It hasn’t changed much with age, either.

I married a lunatic, which wouldn’t say much about the point I’m trying to make except that his lunacy is deeply tied to his obsessive-compulsive need for structure. Predictability. Order. Patterns. His world falls apart if he’s not at least an hour and a half early to wherever he’s going. You think I’m exaggerating; I’m not. His job requires him to be on site by eight o’clock each morning; he’s there by 6:45am every day. In all the years he’s been employed, he has never been later than 6:45am. Not once.

He isn’t paid hourly.

We’re as opposite as two human beings can possibly get. I traveled like a hippie in the gypsy-freedom of my 20’s. I stayed awake until the sun rose regardless of the day of week, sleeping the mornings away in a tent (or simply on a blanket when I didn’t plan ahead and bring the tent, which was more typical) in some various mountainous terrain, where I had intentionally gotten lost the night before, learning the basics of another language or reading an autobiography or working on a term paper or studying for a final or swimming alone all the way across the lake, drinking coffee with dinner and dancing to the silence until I had to return to work or school. Even while working full time to put myself through college, double majoring at that, I never sacrificed the opportunity to live life to the fullest.

Him? He built his credit and trained himself to become the best he could be in his trade. Made sure he kept his lawn obsessively manicured and his vehicle ludicrously detailed, spotless.

Boring.

My philosophical mind drives him batshit crazy. The more curious I am about the why of things, the more OCD he gets about the how of them. My wonder is gasoline to the furious flame of his irritated ambivalence. It might be hilarious if it weren’t so totally crazy to live out in first person.

This particular wavelength I’m riding all started after a knee-jerk reaction I had to a flippant comment he made, the last time our polarities collided in a fury of spontaneous combustion. I told him he’s miserable because he takes himself way too seriously. He told me I make him miserable because I think too much and I take my thoughts too seriously.

His ‘crazy’ has a way of rubbing off on me; I digress.

I take my thoughts too seriously? Oh please. I take them as they come: all at once, all the time, all over the place and that’s that.

But as I continued to mind-screw his mouth-garbage, processing what was actually being said, an epiphany hit me. This is why I think too much (too deeply, too constantly, about too many things): my brain is searching for patterns in a patternless insanity.

I could’ve peed my pants with a “YES!”-type “aha” feeling when I stumbled upon this video; it hits the nail on the crazy man’s head: …Madness! WATCH IT THROUGH TO THE END.

What makes us who we are? Do you see a pattern?

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22 responses »

  1. I think a lot too–it often feels too much. I always feel like my brain is trying to problem solve, but maybe that’s the same or similar to the pattern finding. Interesting–I want to say food for thought, but I’m guessing our brains don’t need the food. πŸ™‚

    • Ha! Reminds me of a great song from my earlier days, “I been livin on coffee and lutein… I been wonderin if all the things I’ve seen, were ever real… Were ever really happening… Every day is a winding road… (I get a little bit closer)”

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your cranial-wavelength love this way! Good stuff.

  2. Girrrrllll….I’m so glad I found my twin soul.

    Has anyone ever told you that you should write a book? And you say something like ha! That would be the longest book that never came to any point? Because the how and what and why would be clouded by distracting shiny thoughts? That even with sentence starters if still go off onto a rambling thought process, wandering from cluttered room to cluttered room, the room with the purple couch and the butterflies made from old records which leads to the hallway that has every photo ever that made you feel SOMETHING and they are all in different frames that don’t match..oh yeah, I was writing a book?!?

    Love ya girl.

  3. Seems to me… there is a pattern in everything… but each instance is unique… sort of like hand sewn shirts — each made according to the pattern, but unique in shape & seam… in ‘us’ I see many patterns: atoms, electrons, carbon, water, human, being, Love, heart, soul, mind etc… but we’re so unique in each that the sum is entirely unique (and uniquely changing moment to moment)… uh, it also seems to me that I’ve just walked myself into a conundrum or an oxymoron…
    but and furthermore… if the universe is based on a pattern, that would imply (many) multiple unique universes…

  4. Oh, I love this crazy conversation with yourself and your other crazy person. I totally get this. I’m somewhere in between this combo of yours. Slightly OCD and boring, but way too analytical and mind mad too! My better half sometimes despairs at my analytics and inability to let a thought process go. But luckily, she’s come to understand I need to get it out until I work it out. The pattern, that is… πŸ™‚ Saluting your madness! xx

  5. So my fiance and I are very different in a whole bunch of very different ways. It sounds like we are as different as you two are..the question is, how do you maintain life with someone who has such deep differences? I worry sometimes when I say something about sending intentioned thought into the universe and come up with a “it could happen this way…or this way..or that way…or…” scenario for why taking an extra paper out of the newspaper box could be disastrous for someone…we are just so fundamentally different that i worry about us sometimes. love, we got that but patience on the other hand? we tend to be a little short on it sometimes. how long have you been married?

    • Three years. By which I mean three unbearable lifetimes. The heaviness of our differences might not render me utterly helpless and sad if I hadn’t married such an aggressively alpha male OCD/ADD/anger management-lacking Nazi. Searching for a bridge over troubled waters, can you tell? 😦 Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. That blesses me.

      • so not one of the good days today, is it?

        It really does feel hopeless sometimes though..when we have ANOTHER conversation about how we had two entirely different conversations talking to each other. I actually got his permission to record some of our arguments so that later we can play them back…sort of like replays in football…but he hasn’t listened to any yet…it will be interesting to see if he ever does..because I cannot even imagine how he could then deny his propensity for being an arse…

  6. “I think too much about too many things entirely too deeply and it matters a lot more than it should.” – I don’t relate to that at all. By which I mean, ‘get outta my head!’ to which I would also add, ‘unless you like it here, in which case, stay as long as you please and have a cup of tea’ or something. I relate to this a lot. My brain does the same thing. Finding patterns, creating meaning, having lived a life so full it sometimes is hard to wake up in the same place each day (which I don’t even, my week is split between two places for work) but yeah..hmm..I will try and click on the thing you added for watching soon when my mind isn’t in music world. I am going to see what other posts I missed of yours!!

  7. I feel your frustration. I feel it in a first hand, “been there” sort of way. Been there?? I AM there. I’m you, and my wife is your husband. I’m glad I’m fairly secure in my masculinity, because this seems to happen a lot. Glad I’m not alone.

    • Too bad the gender roles aren’t reversed in my case. It might make things more (by more, I mean even remotely) bearable. I could grow some balls and say screw it. Instead, I’m immersed in the weight of the madness. Lonely. Sad. 😦

      • You know, the crazy thing is that I kinda thought it might be easier the other way around myself. I succumb to societal pressures…no, societal pressures isn’t it – it’s perhaps more generational pressures over what a man is supposed to be. Guess it’s no cake walk for any of us, huh?

  8. The laughter, even when it hurts while travelling with what makes me myself. I tend to skip past the patterns to the triggers and associations, like a creek and two days. It’s the worlds I find myself traversing, and the conversations with the once strangers I chance to meet along the way. Because after a while, it’s the stories, and every story regardless of patterns is unique, just like who we are and the lives we live, all unique, like no other in both heart and mind. There’ll be people whom’ll say there are similarities, and patterns between us all. But you’re still the unique you, with the stories of your worlds, lived and traveled, to this, I like it that way, that you are you… Like no other.

  9. Nice to catch up on your posts again! I am glad you are still at it. Many people are leaving their orderly, predictable partners these days because we are realizing that all of that controlled environment stuff they need is a product of their fears and who really wants to live that way? Especially during this shift of realizing that everything we have been doing has been out of fear and the excitement and willingness to find what it is to do/be from something other than fear.

    I had to stop blogging for awhile because I am having a mini revolution of my personal life. It is really great and mind blowing and surreal. I can’t believe how much I did not see of myself even at the point that I stopped blogging. The more clarity I seek, the greater potentials I realize in life. This existence is truly amazing and it is sad that all those stuck in fear and order will never get to see. I am happy for you Brandy and keep following your spirit!

  10. “I continued to mind-screw his mouth-garbage.” Heee heee heeeeee.

    Your set-up sounds a lot like mine. I married a man who balances me completely, so the more enthusiastic/obsessed I get, the more he has to go in the opposite direction to compensate and maintain equilibrium. I prefer bizarre bi-polar to ho-hum-in-the-middle, though.

    I just spent two nights in the house alone– he took the kids away for spring break– and I was at a complete loss, which astonished me, because I thought I’d have all kinds of juicy things to get into, but without them around, I forgot who I was. (Not that I don’t want to be alone ever again, oh no no no that’s not what I’m saying. Maybe I just need a little more practice.)

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