Try This On For Size

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When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty.

Thomas Jefferson

thoughts like propellers
propel themselves forward
and pull me behind them
I’m thinking-enslaved

over-analyzations like an addiction, work further and deeper the old familiar creases and circular patterns
ruts in the mud
terrain unordained

look at me now
how far I’ve come without traveling straight
flying down the winding roads
never holding the wheel
seldom checking the brakes
I told you so
rearview mirrors have no place
in me
belonging always to the now
to the slowing down of a lifetime’s haste
to the constant change, the elusive thing that most can’t take

and here I am
with my blackberry brain
ripening on the windowsill
pickling like eggs
nestled in the folds; the wrinkling surface; the gray-matter space where intellect can be measured, tucked in and tethered to some tangible notion that cannot be faced

you’ll find me there — if you catch yourself so inclined to look —
singing joy in the mornings with the multitude; the birds, perched, chorusing the carol of my freedom song

brave
fits me like a glove
or an ungiven name
christen myself, the occasion suits me

oh wild little girl in me
“she can’t help it honey, she came to make waves”
grown fully now — isn’t it funny how
that happens, when no one’s looking —
no longer awkward, ugly, whatever-it’s-called-duckling

womanchild
in tow and submission
how could I resist them?
the endlessly coming-on of masochism; bondage; thoughts of my own; inescapable age

brittle hands of time
might tie me down
but cannot tame

the stars, too
I see them without counting
I never did keep score
for that, they’ve taken an oath
they have sworn
to testify to my defiance
shining brilliance in light
against this visible roar
screaming forth

lioness
who dared long ago to dream bigger
be careful
in thinking outside the box
your efforts of thought
only bind you to an out-of-sight out-of-mind location
in which our society keeps you

and so blacksmith I became
forming the metal with the heat of a fire, flames of fury and the hammer strikes it in place, the bars becoming pillars of a perfectionist’s prison

deafening wilderness
a madness my own
a place I feel safe

I’ve been known to break it down, those accepted modes of unthought, take that sick little box and master it, make it my bitch, put it in place, simplify it and step away (if only for a moment) cleansed

we gotta learn how to beat our own drum
broken or not
dance if we want, without music playing
make a new song, unmetered rhythms without pressure to harmonize, blend in, keep the stanzas and standards and balance maintained

write a new verse
ignore the refrain
if we so choose

because appearances are deceiving
here, in this space
the nonconformity of it feels more like liberty than any pseudo-freedoms to which civilians claim

I am free

once upon a time, though
I tried it on for size
I voted
in many ways also, I contributed to the beast
feeding his greed with my ignorance

and on my knees I discovered
I’d much rather serve a righteous King
sacrifice everything I thought mattered
and live awake in my hour, even caged by the truth
than go to sleep with a false sense of freedom, a constitutional blindness
pledging my allegiance
vowing my soul’s loyalty
to an inanimate object
that stands for anything but the individual person’s rights, pursuits, or relevance

you see, I grew up
and even if you don’t agree with me
be proud
in this day and age it’s still possible
for a girl to think for herself

and refuse to settle
for mindless pacifications
of blind leading blind

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About Brandy Desiree

"Call on me, and I will show you great and unsearchable things you do not know." --Jeremiah 33:3 I am a seeker. A lover. A doer. A thinker. I make music, I dance often, and I laugh. It's all hilarious, really. Everything. Look around you. My children teach me a lot about life. I have five boys, and yes I'm out of my mind. It works for me though; I think this world could honestly use just a little more crazy. A lot of humanity's problems could be solved by everybody taking themselves a little less seriously. I'm grateful and alive; a constantly evolving creature, thankful for the sunshine and just as thankful for the rain... Visit my corner of the universe and share yourself! My heart could implode with welcome for you.

11 responses »

  1. Whether bars of cage
    keep them out or me in
    here at least and at last
    my mind roams free.

    I’ve yet to read one of your posts without having to re-read it twice or more… so much there… and such challenge… πŸ™‚

    Love you…

    • You’re more than perception can contain. The words you share, reach and sway like a heart unlimited, moved by whatever it finds, whatever might find it, you let these things happen completely. Like a pulse, you are to me. Understated and even underestimated, the gentlest pushing, the uncommonness of every new rotation of blood through the veins, reoxygenate, turn the red to blue, soothe, the rhythm of it through each heart’s inner chambers, subtle reminder of life flowing inside, underneath the skin. Thank you Warrior. You’re more than you know.

  2. Brandy,

    This morning, just after dawn, I stood and watched the waves come- the pounding, ceaseless surf- each wave unique to the careful eye. Clouds muted the sun. Wind struck my face- a slap- be alive.

    Later, the sun returned, the blue sky opened. Wind down, tide moving out. I felt the warmth of that sun on my skin.

    Now I am here, reading you.

    You are like this day, natural and strong, twisting and turning, becoming what it wills to be. And like the sun that has come back to me, I feel the strength from the shining brilliance of your light as you spill yourself across these pages.

    This madness of your own is no madness at all. It is a wild land, a refuge from all that is insane. It is the place of a force of nature, raging and untamed, yet in command of herself.

    To encounter you is to feel the magic of life.

    Tom

    • How did such fortune find me?
      Little girl in a fractured place, unassuming I share my everything on this website, the internet, thinking nothing of it and at best a random click on the general like button, but no…
      I couldn’t have imagined when I chose to let it all hang out that I would reach and be received by such powerful and incredible people.
      For instance, this thing you do. Assuming by what little I know of you, a single sentence remark in anyone’s comment box is sort of a big deal. Lots of fans, followers, and people in your corner of the world. A lot happening. And then there’s the recent timewarp that almost had you surrendered — by the way I am joyous and unsurprised by your recent-also rising from those whatever-they-were-ashes — GOOD FOR YOU, and the pendulum always swings back the other way dear friend…
      But all that and still, you choose instead of a post for your folks a deep, thorough, meaningful-most response to the wilderness of my days.
      Wow.
      The experience here is indescribable. Specifically, when you paint these intense pictures of the view from where life presently has you sitting — it goes beyond vicarious; semi-transcendental in fact — seeing your sights, sitting right there wherever you’re at, it’s the elephant in a room, the fearlessness of misplacing a preposition, getting a little out of hand, going beyond the norm and daring to see what lies beyond the standard known as “a little too far”.
      Heavy. Beautiful.
      Leaves me humbled & grateful.

  3. Felt a little musical, after the lines, and their journey, the story they tell up above (much enjoyed, much beautiful)
    As I think here just in the moment, while your words breathe grace like a brave song, climbing those challenges, as the unsung hero, of your heart’s love, the uncompromised living, running fast here in the thermals, no cage can hold the untamed, no prey to circling static, nor lost in lives of the sink and rise, their slow directions, they miss the point now, of where you’ve been, the places your headed, as you travel here, the near and far, those heart and feet upon the terrain, your changing world, amongst the dust of ancients, roll’in like waves, breaking free the horizon, keep spreading now, the true tale of freedom, for you live, you know how to sing….

    • This always takes me a minute or two. Sometimes a day or two. Responding to you, that is. Because you possess something so sharp, so huge; this constant spring of fresh things to say and fresh ways to say them. Sean Bidd. Is that your given name? Either way, it’s electric. Eclectic too, this unceasing newness about your words and the unreal tendency they have of never, not once repeating themselves. When I first read your blog I felt as though I needed some proof that I have what it takes to hang with the big kids, I wanted whatever it is that you have; then amidst my own ridiculousness you grace me with these wicked affirmations (here in the states, wicked is slang for indescribably incredible), through which I’m reminded that we all have different giftings. Whatever yours is dear friend, its power lies in how it doesn’t need a well of adjectives to assert its greatness. It simply states its own being into place for the rest of us to admire and love. Thank you for bringing yourself to my table. Your insights are glorious, they mean something to me. A lot. Times five. Squared.

      • Have been told a few times, it takes a little bit of time to respond to some comments I post.

        Yes, Sean is the first name, Bidd is a contraction of the last name, four more letters come after the last “d”, take one ‘d’ off, and it was my family nickname growing up, courtesy of my eldest brother.

        It is when one reads your words, and lines aloud, that they come to life. Reading certain poetry inside your head, unless you through it from wall to wall in your mind, it does not breathe the way it’s suppose to in the life it’s meant to live.

        Yeah, wicked, cool, sick, many words are global in their transformations, in being recycled with alternate meanings/definitions, it’s the crash, the bomb, of living in a connected century.

        I admit, I’m a bit of a minimalist when it comes to using adjectives, and adverbs, it’s a bit of an ongoing experiment within the use of phrase, and sentence structures.

        Thank you for opening the door, and offering a chair. Cheers, making comment, gets a little addictive sometimes, too.

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